I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just forgot I was standing up.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
