last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
