like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
