the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
