its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
