Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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