Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
