I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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