How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
