she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
