My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
