The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
