My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
And then he peed in my hair
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