my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
false alarm, still single
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