whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
