I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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