I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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