i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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