What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
