Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
