I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
