Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
