Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
