"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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