I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
