My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
