He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
