yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Randomize
