I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just found a bag of teeth...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
