she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
