dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
