i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was not drunk enough for that final.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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