I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
