New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
