I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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