watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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