I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
