Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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