my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Randomize
