im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
