My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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