Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
now i know why i became what i already was.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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