Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
