Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
