we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
