I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
