Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
