AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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