I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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