You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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