Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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