I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
