Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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